Chemistry vs. Character: Choosing Who You Partner With Wisely

Chemistry vs. Character: Choosing Who You Partner With Wisely

You’ve felt it—the spark. That initial connection. Whether it’s in a romantic relationship, a business deal, or even in the friendships you build, chemistry grabs you. But here’s the truth that’s hard to swallow: Chemistry alone won’t make a relationship last. And yet, that’s what we’re all chasing. Why? Because it feels good right now. But will it carry you through the tough times ahead?

Let’s hit you with some hard stats.

Divorce rates are still sky-high. Nearly 50% of marriages end in divorce. Second and third marriages? Those numbers go up—around 60-67% of second marriages and a brutal 73-74% of third marriages fall apart.

What about cohabitation? Nearly 50% of couples today are cohabiting before marriage. But here’s the kicker: The average length of a cohabiting relationship before it breaks down? Just 18 months. So, if you lump these cohabitation numbers into the marriage stats, it doesn’t paint a pretty picture. While first-time marriages have slightly improved, when you consider the rise of cohabitation, the statistics aren’t getting better—they’re just being masked.

Now let’s talk about business. Over 30% of new businesses fail within the first two years, and by year four, that number jumps to 65%. What’s the biggest reason? Poor partnership decisions. Mismatched values. People too focused on chemistry—whether it’s a spark in a business relationship or a shared vision—without actually understanding the character beneath it all.

What’s the real problem here?

We’re all too focused on chemistry. Chemistry is easy. Chemistry is exciting. Chemistry is the “spark” that gets us in the door. But it doesn’t last. And when that spark fades, when the honeymoon phase is over, you’re left with what? Character—or the lack of it.

The Chemistry Trap: Stop Chasing the Spark

It’s seductive, right? The immediate connection. The pull. The gut feeling that something’s “right.” But here’s the catch—chemistry is a surface-level experience. It’s quick, it’s flashy, and it can blind us to the deeper qualities that will matter when the initial excitement fades.

Think about it: Have you ever rushed into a relationship or partnership because it felt good, only to find yourself disappointed when reality hit? We all have. But how often do we dig deeper and truly assess the character of the person we’re putting our trust in? Are they reliable? Are they consistent? Are they willing to work as hard as you when things get tough?

In The GRIP Factor, I talk about the importance of focusing on what matters more by letting go of everything less. The problem is, our focus gets compromised by distractions and reactions—especially the drama that comes from misaligned values. When your partnerships—whether personal or professional—aren’t built on shared values, the distractions are constant, pulling you away from the actions that will create the most impact.

As Warren Buffett said in Becoming Warren Buffett (HBO, 2017), “The biggest decision of your life will be who you choose to marry.” Whether in business, life, or love, the biggest decision will always be who you partner with. But it’s not about the chemistry; it’s about their character.

Character: The Foundation for Long-Term Success

At Disruptify, the VE (Vision Execution) firm I co-founded, we help clients define the essential attributes for every role. Then, we hold every leader accountable to hire only those who can demonstrate these attributes, not just talk about them in interviews. These aren’t just nice-to-have qualities; these are non-negotiables.

What’s the point: Chemistry might get you started, but it’s the character—the integrity, accountability, and trust—that will sustain you in the long haul. The truth is, character is the foundation that determines whether or not a relationship or partnership will stand the test of time.

We’ve seen firsthand how this approach leads to more effective leadership. Instead of focusing on managing behavior, our leaders focus on coaching and setting their teams up for success. The results speak for themselves.

The Power of Attributes Over Chemistry

Think about your past relationships—romantic or professional. How many times did chemistry make you feel like it was “right,” but once you dug deeper, you realized the connection wasn’t sustainable? How many times have you worked with someone who seemed great at first, but their actions didn’t match their words? Or they had the chemistry but lacked the values that mattered?

In business, you might feel like you’ve found the perfect partner, but when things get hard, you realize their true character doesn’t align with your goals. The chemistry might carry you through the first few months, but character is what gets you through the long haul.

This Week’s Challenge:

1. Identify the Core Attributes You Need – What qualities matter most to you? What attributes will ensure you build strong, sustainable relationships? Start defining the core values you need in your personal and professional partners.
2. Evaluate Based on Consistency, Not Just Chemistry – Are their actions consistent with the qualities you need? Look beyond the spark and assess whether they consistently demonstrate the right attributes for long-term success.
3. Get Real Accountability – Surround yourself with people who will challenge you, not just cheer for you. Seek accountability from those who care about your long-term success and hold you to a higher standard.
4. Evaluate What You Bring to the Table – It’s easy to focus solely on what you need in a partnership, but what about what you bring to the table? Just like chemistry works when the right elements are mixed together, understanding your own attributes and how they complement others is equally important. Are you demonstrating the qualities you expect from others? 

Ask yourself: Am I bringing the right value to the relationship, or am I expecting others to fill in gaps I haven’t addressed myself?

Too often, I see people enter relationships or partnerships with high potential, only to realize that, for a variety of reasons, they can’t bring out the best in each other. Maybe it’s a mismatch in values, poor communication, or an inability to push each other to be better. The chemistry might have been there, but without understanding what each party can truly contribute to the relationship, the partnership will struggle.

Bottom line: Chemistry is a piece of the puzzle, but it’s not the whole picture. If you want relationships that stand the test of time—whether in love, business, or life—focus on the right attributes. Look for people whose character aligns with your goals and values. Don’t just chase the spark—build a strong foundation for lasting success.